Chickpea Chili Burrito

Okay, here's the truth: I love eating out. I absolutely love it. It's something I cannot stress enough: I love eating out. This is a fact that has nothing to do with my desire to set out on a delicious journey to taste island. This isn't about becoming the Marco Polo of local restaurants and making new, adventurous palette-related discoveries. It is based upon three simple facts: I am lazy, indecisive, and not-a-so good in the kitchen.

Eating out is a great solution. I don't have to do anything: there are no dishes to clean, no onions to cut, nothing. I just sit there and let people feed me. I don't have to make any decisions: okay, I have to make one or two, but it's from such a limited subset of foods in existence that I can manage. I don't have to taste the things I create: someone else cooks! Presumably, someone who is good at cooking (how else could the restaurant stay afloat?).

Now, I've often said that if I could make restaurant-grade food, I would be much more inclined to eat at home. That one's a catch-22, because I'm basically saying that if I were good at a thing, I'd do the thing all the time, but I refuse to practice the thing. I was pretty set in that way for a while until the internet called my bluff and posted the recipe for a local restaurant's chickpea chili burrito. Not wanting to be bested by the internet, I tried it out.

Chickpea Chili Burritos
Yield: Yield: 4 servings
12-in. flour tortillas 4
Mexican Rice (recipe follows) 1 cup
Chickpea Chili (recipe follows 1 cup
Monterey Jack cheese, grated 1½ cups
Sour cream to garnish
Guacamole to garnish
Salsa to garnish
1. Steam tortillas for 10 seconds to heat.

2. Lay tortillas flat; place ¼ cup Mexican rice halfway between center and end.

3. Top rice with ¼ cup Chickpea Chili and cheese to taste.

4. Roll burrito halfway, then fold in sides like an envelope and finish rolling.

5. Serve with sour cream, guacamole and salsa.

Mexican Rice
Yield: Yield: 3 cups
Olive oil 2 Tbsp.
Carrot, grated ¼ cup
Onion, grated ¼ cup
White rice 2 cups
Tomato juice 1 cup
Kosher salt 1 Tbsp.
Black pepper, freshly ground 1 Tbsp.
Bay leaf 1
1. Heat oil in warm saucepan over medium heat until moderately hot; add carrot and onion. Sauté briefly; stir in rice.

2. Add tomato juice, salt, pepper and bay leaf; bring to boil. Reduce heat to simmer; cover and cook 20 minutes. Remove bay leaf; reserve.
Chickpea Chili
Yield: Yield: about 6½ cups
Fresh tomatillos, husked 2 lb.
White onion, ½-in. dice ½ cup
Olive oil ¼ cup
Jalapeño peppers, stems remove 2
Garlic cloves 4
Kosher salt 2 tsp.
Canned chickpeas, drained and 32 oz.
Cilantro, chopped 2 Tbsp.
Black pepper, freshly ground 1 Tbsp.
1. Place tomatillos in heavy pan with onion, olive oil, jalapeños, garlic and salt; roast at 500F until soft and lightly browned, 20 to 25 minutes.

2. Remove tomatillo mixture from oven; purée in blender or processor until smooth. Pour puréed mixture through fine-mesh strainer into saucepan.

3. Add chickpeas to tomatillo purée; simmer 10 minutes over medium heat. Stir in cilantro and pepper.

Five out of five stars. This thing was the shit and I will happily launch the leftovers down my throat. Other restaurants around town: please follow this restaurant's lead and slowly put yourselves out of business. Mmmmmmmmm!

Macaroni and Cheese

One of the best things to eat in Pittsburgh, by far, is Kelly's Mac and Cheese. It's just the right amount of goo, crispiness, and pepper to make me willing to put up with their horrid, horrid service. Most recipes I found on the internet suggest poor ideas, like, "Just cook the pasta and put some cheese in there or whatever and maybe melt it all in an oven for a while." Doing that gives you a bland dish with a hint of something sticky in there (Cheese? Glue?). I got fed up and solicited a message board, and found this, a slightly modified version of an A-l-t-*-n B-r-*-w-n recipe.

Ingredients

* 1 pound uncooked elbow macaroni
* 6 tablespoons butter
* 6 tablespoons flour
* 2 tablespoon powdered mustard
* 6 cups milk
* 1 cup yellow onion, finely diced
* 2 bay leaf
* 1 teaspoon paprika
* 1 large egg
* 24 ounces extra sharp sharp cheddar, shredded
* 3/4 cup shredded Parmesan Cheese
* 2 teaspoon kosher salt
* 1/4 tsp Nutmeg
* Fresh black pepper

Topping:

* 6 tablespoons butter
* 2 cups panko bread crumbs
* 1/4 cup Parmesan

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In a large pot of boiling, salted water cook the pasta to al dente.

While the pasta is cooking, in a separate pot, melt the butter. Whisk in the flour and mustard and keep it moving for about five minutes. Make sure it's free of lumps. Stir in the milk, onion, bay leaf, nutmeg and paprika. Simmer for ten minutes and remove the bay leaf.

Temper in the eggs. Stir in 3/4 of the cheddar cheese and the Parmesan. Season with salt and pepper. Fold the macaroni into the mix and pour into a lasagne dish. Top with remaining cheese.

Melt the butter in a saute pan and toss the bread crumbs to coat. Stir in Parmesan cheese. Top the macaroni with the bread crumbs. Bake for about 30 minutes (until the breadcrumbs brown). Remove from oven and rest for five minutes before serving.

Five out of five stars for being an awesome dish. Not quite as gooey as Kelly's (maybe that's something to experiment with in the future), but still leagues better than any other mac and cheese I've ever made before. I can't wait to eat the leftovers for this.

Vanilla Crepes

I always thought that a fancy breakfast is one way to look really impressive. Sure, you can make a nice dinner that would surprise someone, but breakfasts have the power to knock your socks off. You're probably not even wearing socks at that point in the day, and that's part of it: you wake up, you're disheveled, and you just want something to make you feel awake. Most people seem happy to have anything to gnaw on at that time of day, so a nice, fancy breakfast is a great surprise. Plus, puttering around the kitchen is a great way to spend a Saturday or Sunday morning.

From Allrecipes:

INGREDIENTS (Nutrition)
1 1/2 cups milk
3 egg yolks
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
5 tablespoons melted butter

DIRECTIONS
In a large bowl, mix together the milk, egg yolks and vanilla. Stir in the flour, sugar, salt and melted butter until well blended.
Heat a crepe pan over medium heat until hot. Coat with vegetable oil or cooking spray. Pour about 1/4 cup of batter into the pan and tip to spread the batter to the edges. When bubbles form on the top and the edges are dry, flip over and cook until lightly browned on the other side and edges are golden. Repeat with remaining batter.
Fill crepes with your favorite fruit, cream, caramel or even ice cream or cheese to serve.

Poblano and Onion Hash Browns

Part of the reason I hate shopping is that I have no idea where to find what I'm looking for. Yeah, I know they have those signs atop every aisle that are supposed to help morons like me, but they're not specific enough. Think about marinara sauce. There's no sign for marinara: you need to know that it's a pasta affiliate, and you go to the pasta aisle. That's all well and good, but what if you don't know what you're looking for? It's hard to say where you might check for it if you don't know its friends, or even its close acquaintances.

That said, confession time: I have no idea what a poblano pepper is. Well, I know it's a pepper. Got that bit. Check the produce section. I didn't know where it might be, a fact exacerbated by the fact that I don't know if it's rare and/or out of season. After about 10 minutes of intensely scanning two feet of peppers, I decided to give up and grab a lengthy hot pepper. Was it poblano? I have no idea. It seemed to work, though.

Poblano and Onion Hash Browns

2 medium baking potatoes, peeled and shredded
1/2 medium onion, diced
1 poblano pepper, diced
2 Tbsp. oil
1 Tbsp. chili powder, or to taste
Salt and pepper, to taste

•Soak the shredded potatoes in cold water for about 30 minutes. Drain and pat dry with paper towels, removing as much moisture as possible.

•In a large bowl, combine the shredded potatoes, onion, and poblano pepper and stir.

•Place a large, heavy skillet over medium-high heat and add the oil. Once hot, add the potato mixture, sprinkle with half the chili powder and cook until the bottom begins to brown (about 5 to 7 minutes).

•Flip over, or stir, the hash browns. Add the remaining chili powder and cook for an additional 5 to 7 minutes. Once desired crispiness is achieved, season with salt and pepper, if desired, and serve.

Makes 4 servings

Note: the thinner you cut the potatoes, the easier it is to get them crispy. Again, we got a four star breakfast side here, losing out only because the potatoes take 30 minutes (?!?) to soak. I want to roll out of bed and eat a damn thing. I do not want to have to wait for food to be done.

Black Bean Burgers

This recipe was found at Compassion Over Killing. I had googled something to the effect of "quick vegetarian dinner" and found out that they had a whole page written specifically for me. I don't have time to go and figure out what a wheat gluten is; just tell me how to make something delicious using saltines. I had to double the recipe because who wants to tear up that much bread for just one evening? F that.

Black Bean Burgers
Serves 2

1 15-ounce can black beans, drained
1/4 cup diced and sautéed onions
2 slices multigrain bread, finely crumbled
1/2 teaspoon each of garlic powder, black pepper, and onion powder (optional)
1/4 teaspoon salt (optional)
1/2 cup cracker crumbs
In a large bowl, mash the drained black beans. Add the sautéed onions, crumbled bread, and spices. Mix thoroughly. Add about 1/4 cup of cracker crumbs (or just enough to be able to form patties from the mixture). Using your hands, form the mixture into 1/2-inch thick patties. For a breaded burger, gently coat each patty with more cracker crumbs.

In a lightly oiled non-stick pan, fry both sides of the patties. Serve with a garnish of lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, and any other condiments on buns or over a bed or rice.

I give it four stars out of five. It was pretty easy to make, but it took a while and the more I ate, the more I tasted the saltines. Maybe more barbecue sauce next time.